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Domestic abuse not just physical;
psychological battery takes its toll.
On Oct. 17, 1999 an interdenominational Sabbath
of Domestic Peace will be observed at Temple Beth Zion-Beth Israel.
The object is to bring leaders and members of various faiths
together in awareness of domestic violence. This month – which is
Domestic Violence Awareness Month – the Commentary Page will feature
a series of essays by workers in the field of domestic abuse. Below,
an experienced counselor in the field discusses the ways in which
men may emotionally abuse their female partners.
By SaraKay Smullens
When we think of domestic abuse, what usually
comes to mind are physical acts of violence.
But abuse has another side: emotional and
psychological abuse. Such abuse, with its relentless mind games,
blame games and manipulations, exists in home after home. Its
frequency and extremity varies from relationship to relationship.
While either men or women can be abusive, my focus here will be on
men as emotional abusers.
Men who are emotional abusers come from all
religions, socioeconomic backgrounds and professions. Frequently,
they are exceptionally charming, as well as successful and prominent
in their fields.
Psychological abuse is often referred to as
“gaslighting” – a reference to the classic 1944 film Gaslight,
in which the arrogant and ruthless Gregory, played by Charles Boyer,
attempts to drive his elegant and vulnerable wife Paula, played by
Ingrid Bergman, into bewildering madness. Like Gregory, emotional
abusers, regularly described by the term “crazy-makers,” may
demonstrate their cruelty publicly. But they often treat their
partners with extreme tenderness and kindness in public, exhibiting
their abusive behavior unpredictably behind closed doors, usually
when a partner believes the relationship is on stable, loving
ground.
In many instances, no one, including the person
being abused, can detect the slow deterioration of confidence and
self-esteem – and the resulting confusion – that is the intent and
outcome of psychological abuse. I have heard client after client
say, “My husband is really wonderful. After all, everyone just loves
him.” Or, “If I were different, he’d be better to me, I must deserve
the way he treats me, but I don’t know what I did.”
I also hear the unrealistic fantasy, “If only I
could live with his nice side and get rid of the mean and nasty part
of him.”
Men who are emotional abusers may use any or
all of several tactics. In psychological manipulation, a
woman’s confidence and ability to think for herself are eroded by
manipulation, threats, lies and contradictions. Her most valued
beliefs are insulted, her feelings ridiculed and ignored. She is
humiliated, intimidated, badgered, attacked verbally and demeaned.
Her sexual attractiveness is criticized. Affection and intimate
communication are withheld, and sexual interest toward others is
flaunted.
Any effort to communicate about the issues that
undermine her and all opportunities for respectful communication of
difference are met with rage and intimidation or silence. If she
refuses to conform to her partner’s demand for control, she endures
threats of violence toward all she holds dear. If she attempts to
leave her partner, she is taunted by the threat of a custody fight.
In social isolation a partner is
isolated from friends and family, as well as being removed from a
familiar or safe geographic location. Financial manipulation
involves keeping a partner helplessly dependent in myriad ways –
debt, pregnancy, denying her the opportunity to work, creating
problems in her work place, refusing to involve her in financial
decisions, as well as denying access to money and knowledge about
financial matters.
In Gaslight, the character played by
Ingrid Bergman is rescued from her abuser by the film’s hero, played
by Joseph Cotton. In real life, it does not happen this way. A woman
who lives with constant humiliation loses the power to assert
herself along with the ability to understand and assess accurately
what is going on in her life. She lives in a state of intermittent
of perpetual denial, as she tries desperately to keep others from
knowing the painful realities of her life.
Without professional, community or family
intervention, emotionally abused women lose the will to go on. They
develop a host of physical and emotional problems and frequently
succumb to serious illness and death long before their time.
SaraKay Smullens
is a family therapist and founder of the Sabbath of Domestic Peace.
Philadelphia
Inquirer – Sunday, October 10, 1999 |
