There's No
Place Like Home to Give Children a Good Foundation
By SARAKAY SMULLENS
Published May 7, 2008
in the Philadelphia Inquirer
What's going on with American children? Teenagers attacking
innocents. Third-graders plotting to kill their teacher. Knives,
guns, fists - rage and lack of mercy.
Some survive, such as Philadelphia's Tyesha Tazell,
attacked by a gang of 12 kids in a SEPTA underground area. Sean
Conroy, killed in an attack by teenagers, is among those who did
not.
It is not poverty or broken homes that cause this
epidemic. Many kids grow up with integrity and common sense despite
hardships at home. Tazell got it right when she said it was the
"foundation of the home" behind all the violence.
In an analysis published in the Annals of the
American Psychotherapy Association of hundreds of diverse families I
have worked with over 25 years, five entrenched malignant patterns
of parental/caretaker behavior are noted. These patterns curse a
family foundation and cause kids to go dangerously berserk.
They are:
Rage, a home with merciless outbursts of violence.
Abandonment and rejection, where parents are absent
or love is withdrawn when a child expresses an opinion different
from that of the main figures.
Enmeshment, where everyone must be one big blob and
privacy and positive outside relationships are not allowed.
Extreme neglect, where parental attention is
nonexistent.
Extreme overprotection and overindulgence, which
produces brats who believe they are entitled to whatever they want.
What do we do about this mess? All of us must help.
First, remember kids learn the most not from what we
say, but from how they see us treat others. To see whether any of
the above patterns is our own is a brave choice. Once we see, we
have the power to change.
Many kids today are desperately lonely, feeling that
no one hears them, that they are ignored and talked at, rather than
heard and talked with. Today almost nine million children are taking
a psychoactive drug. Far too often they are given pills rather than
time.
Those of us who cannot be with our kids after school
can turn to our fine city resources, such as quality after-school
programs for children.
Our schools and community resources are in the
promising position to offer relevant family life education courses
to parents as well as to the children themselves. Teachers are the
professionals who can first identify at-risk children and call
attention to destructive behavior. Early intervention remains our
most promising option.
Toward this end, resistant or highly troubled
families must be referred to appropriate support services, if
necessary by court order.
As important, children of destructive parents not
amenable to help and change must be removed from their homes pronto.
This means more quality foster parents are needed.
These are expensive goals, but without their
implementation the cost to all we hold dear will be incalculable.
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