JIM McGREEVEY'S dad, a Marine drill sergeant who struggled to support his family as a traveling salesman, referred to his only son as "our lad of great expectations."

And for good reason. McGreevey was president of his high school class, a state official by 28, made his first bid for elected office at 32, and by 36 was mayor of Woodbridge and a state senator.

McGreevey's dramatic resignation as New Jersey governor is an example of the family, religious and cultural expectations that can lead both to repression and deception about one's sexual nature. McGreevey's plight echoes the familiar political (and human) realities of a simple lapse of judgment - as well as a unique twist on the all-too-familiar political "pay for play."

But those realities also force us to take a hard look at the agony of trying to hide a sexual orientation screaming for recognition. They can also help us to understand more deeply the fear and discomfort that homosexuality engenders and why most closeted high-profile gays live in terror of the shame and potential consequences to them and those they love if they are "outed."

The figure largely ignored in the coverage of this sad and pivotal event is McGreevey's second wife, Dina Matos McGreevey. The media-shy mother of their young daughter, Jacqueline, held the governor's hand as they entered the never-to-be-forgotten Aug. 13 press conference.

I have worked with a number of women who either have been or are now married to gay men. The names that describe such relationships, "cover girls" or "beards," are cruel and humiliating. Women consistently attracted to gay men are said to have "the curse of the pink wand," while those who choose a coterie of gay male friends are often described as "fag hags."

I am neither spin doctor nor speech writer, but I well know the private suffering of women in Dina McGreevey's position. I wish the governor's wife would speak out. She has much to teach us all. Using what I know of (many, many) more women in her dilemma than most of us realize, I believe these words would be true to Dina McGreevey's thoughts and feelings:

"Many people think that gay men like my husband dislike the company of women and cannot have sex with us.

"This is not true. Like my husband, many have a strong desire to develop and maintain close and caring relationships with women. Like my husband, they have much to talk about with us.

"Our suffering, our agony, lies in not being able to achieve an intimate, fulfilling and committed emotional and sexual relationship. This loss holds true no matter how hard we try together or how many therapists we consult.

"Many of you will look at the commercials that my husband, daughter and I made signaling the appeal of New Jersey - and label them a con. They are not.

"There has been important sharing and devotion in our family and our marriage. Our public connections have all been sincere, but they do not exist in our private world. Perhaps you now understand at least some of my hesitation to be interviewed. I feared that our private agony would be disclosed by a slip, and I was afraid to take that risk.

"I understand that reporters have a job to do. They have stories to report, truths to uncover and newspapers to sell - but sometimes in this mission, they forget that those they write about are human beings with families and children to protect.

"Compassion is a terribly misused word in our political arena. But now that our truth is out, I hope that the public will wish our family well and not judge us as we do our best to cope."